Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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