Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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