So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
