Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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