In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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