I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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