I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
