I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
