i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
