dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
