if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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