just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
A bitchslap is in order.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
