you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
