I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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