speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
