the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
