That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
