one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
