Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
