if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
