totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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