Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
