i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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