Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
