We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
