...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
