I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
