Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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