It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
