My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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