this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My vagina just recognized that song.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
