YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm going to jail i love you
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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