Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He shit in the fireplace
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
