After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
