Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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