He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
