i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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