I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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