I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
