your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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