I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
