I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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