Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
