fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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