I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
