I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
