On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
