i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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