Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
