mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
