So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
