Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
