GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
