I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
