o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Randomize
