Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
