I wish my penis had an off switch
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
