I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
