Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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