Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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