I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
