You just made me feel so damn special
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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